You were waiting for this. You knew it was coming. The story within a story that adds a new dimension of toe curling to an already cringe-worthy tale. Catching all you laggards up – I got the NYE round 2 boy’s phone number. That is not the exciting part. It is what I did with the phone number that is really the kicker. I could have tucked it away in the address book in my phone, to sit there and collect dust next to the numbers of my high school softball coach and that one kid (who was probably a perverted middle-aged man) I met on Omegle in eighth grade. I could have sent him a polite text message with my name so he could have my number as well. But no. That would have shown an unbelievable amount of self-restraint! That is NOT how this gal operates. I have a primal instinct to take everything too far. I crank that shit up a notch, or a hundred – just to keep my dignity teetering on the edge. Some called me a rebel, a trail blazer, a ruthless dare devil. But I can’t go by those names anymore – I’m ‘that girl’ now. Take this as a cautionary tale kiddos. Sometimes your crazy ways can take you too far down the unbeaten path and when you finally find your way back out of the woods you realize you forgot how to function like a normal human being and you do dumb things. Like send really awkward text messages to boys you just met.

Somewhere between when our Uber driver dropped us at my friend’s apartment and when Leslie made me drop a perfectly good pizza roll out of my mouth, I decided to text Edward and just let him know what I was feeling. I will just let my blacked out emotions speak for themself:

“Hey Edward, this is Moron*. (smiley blushing emoji) Had a really fun time with you tonight! Hope you have a good rest of your break! I wouldn’t mind seeing you again (winking emoji)” Sent 2:26 am

(*Name changed to preserve any shred of dignity I still retain)

Hmmf. Gah. Let’s alllllllll just take a deep breath. There, better? Now, this is not by any means the worst text anyone has ever sent someone BUT to this day, every time I read it I make a crying Kim Kardashian face and fight the urge to slap myself. Real talk though, I am surprised by how spot-on my grammar and punctuation were – not a single typo! It has a well placed comma, plus, I even used the correct version of ‘your’! But back to the shame – I think the part that twists the knife for me is the last line – with the nail in the coffin being the suggestive emoji. And just for thoroughness’ sake can we acknowledge that I sent this in the first few wee hours of 2016? Those hours that are very hazy for me in hindsight. So I think we can all agree that it was embarrassing, not the MOST embarrassing, but I should at least wear a bag over my head for another few NYE’s before I move on with things.

In case you were wondering, I never heard back from our boy Edward but I think I have come to terms with that – even though that was a big contributer to my regret of this fun little one-way exchange we had going. I am sure he woke up on that first cloudy, hungover morning of the new year, read that text while pounding a glass of water and popping an Advil, and as he promptly deleted my heartfelt message, thought to himself…

This is awkward.


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